Last Resort, Sandy speaking. Can I help you this evening?
Sandy? I'm a bit drunk.
That's ok. How are things with you?
I'm a bit drunk.
Ok.
"Ok," is that all you've got to say? Use a bit of fucking creativity.
Ok. Fenella's fella's umbrella propeller.
Y'what? Fuck off. You're supposed to help me with my problem.
What is your problem? By the way can I know your name?
It's not fucking Fenella, mate.
No, I didn't think it was.
But at least I know what I am by my name. Cody.
How's that?
Do you not have to pass an IQ test or something to do your job? Sandy! Sandy, can I ask you something Sandy?
Go on.
What are you?
I'm a volunteer for Last Resort. What are you?
Sandy, I don't need your sarcasm. I'm going to fucking kill myself and I phone you and you give me sarcasm. Sandy, whatever you fucking are.
Cody -
Whatever you -
Cody -
Are you a "gender bender"?
Cody, let's talk about you. You said you're going to kill yourself. I'm very worried about you.
Ahahaha - fucking ha. Ha. Ha. Listen to this. Do you hear this?
Cody, are you at home?
That's a carving knife, that is. An electric carving knife. See, it's not easy to cut your throat. You'd just give up but with this... Wait a minute.
Cody, listen to me. Are you listening?
Are you listening to me?
Cody, what's gone on today and this week, that's made you think like this?
Sandy, what's gone on? Do you really want to know?
Yes. ... ... Are you there?
Listen to this. I just want to put you through this. Annie Lennox. Why-y-y-y-y Why-y-y-y-y. WOOOOOOhaah! Yeeeha! Sandy, trick or treat?
Ok Cody, I can't stay to listen to Annie Lennox.
Huh? Why-y-y-y-y
I would only the sound quality is no good down the phone. Will you phone me back later?
I will, yeh.
Good. Thanks Cody.
Sandy?
Yes Cody?
You're a darling.
Goodnight Cody.
Sandy? I'm a bit drunk.
That's ok. How are things with you?
I'm a bit drunk.
Ok.
"Ok," is that all you've got to say? Use a bit of fucking creativity.
Ok. Fenella's fella's umbrella propeller.
Y'what? Fuck off. You're supposed to help me with my problem.
What is your problem? By the way can I know your name?
It's not fucking Fenella, mate.
No, I didn't think it was.
But at least I know what I am by my name. Cody.
How's that?
Do you not have to pass an IQ test or something to do your job? Sandy! Sandy, can I ask you something Sandy?
Go on.
What are you?
I'm a volunteer for Last Resort. What are you?
Sandy, I don't need your sarcasm. I'm going to fucking kill myself and I phone you and you give me sarcasm. Sandy, whatever you fucking are.
Cody -
Whatever you -
Cody -
Are you a "gender bender"?
Cody, let's talk about you. You said you're going to kill yourself. I'm very worried about you.
Ahahaha - fucking ha. Ha. Ha. Listen to this. Do you hear this?
Cody, are you at home?
That's a carving knife, that is. An electric carving knife. See, it's not easy to cut your throat. You'd just give up but with this... Wait a minute.
Cody, listen to me. Are you listening?
Are you listening to me?
Cody, what's gone on today and this week, that's made you think like this?
Sandy, what's gone on? Do you really want to know?
Yes. ... ... Are you there?
Listen to this. I just want to put you through this. Annie Lennox. Why-y-y-y-y Why-y-y-y-y. WOOOOOOhaah! Yeeeha! Sandy, trick or treat?
Ok Cody, I can't stay to listen to Annie Lennox.
Huh? Why-y-y-y-y
I would only the sound quality is no good down the phone. Will you phone me back later?
I will, yeh.
Good. Thanks Cody.
Sandy?
Yes Cody?
You're a darling.
Goodnight Cody.
Stephen Moran runs the much influential The Willesden Herald tabloid/magazine/site/thing which in turn runs a Short Story Contest which this year is judged by someone mean. If you dare the leap, it can make you very famous. Here are also 3 Poems that Stephen wrote under the name Steve for the old kitchen poet (RIP). Phew.
-Henry Truman (official bio-writer)
