1. Old Stag Giddy
Elmer's an old stag now
shedding antlers
snorting among the trees
but sometimes Martha
after her shower
is a doe beckoning
and he becomes giddy
and heads for the salt lick
happy in the breeze
Elmer's an old stag now
shedding antlers
snorting among the trees
but sometimes Martha
after her shower
is a doe beckoning
and he becomes giddy
and heads for the salt lick
happy in the breeze
****
2. Romance in the Modern Age
Spread 'Em for Anyone Edna
had always had trouble with men.
It started in high school when Edna,
big for her age, hosted the soccer team,
one by one, provided they won.
Edna had strong school spirit
but the players were not sportsmanlike,
telling classmates Edna was a bad goalie.
She had let everyone in.
Edna's largesse continued in college
with lanky lads on the tennis team.
Tennis players had more couth, she said,
and they certainly knew how to serve.
They would take Edna to dinner and a movie
and she would send them home smiling,
victorious, three sets to none.
Then one Sunday morning
while home on vacation,
Edna took Grandma to church,
a place Edna had never been.
She found the preacher attractive.
He stared at Edna throughout
his fist-pounding sermon,
fire raging, brimstone crackling.
That Sunday, Spread 'Em for Anyone Edna
answered the altar call and was born again.
After seven abortions Edna decided
to limit her kindness to one man,
a dentist named Dr. Throckmorton,
a renowned specialist in root canals,
a wealthy man she would eventually marry.
She admired his technique with a drill.
***
3. Rodding Out
a Bulgarian plumber’s song
And so I’ll tell old Max,
and maybe he will listen,
it’s time to call
the plumber in
and tell him,
“Here’s the deal:
We’ll hire you today
and Friday you’ll begin
rodding out Camille.
When you finish
bring her back,
and we’ll see if she will yield.
And if she won’t
you’ll try again,
rodding out Camille.”
***
4. Remembering His Third Wife
Never speak ill of the dead,
his father always said,
and his father was a pastor
who preached from the pulpit.
That's why whenever
he thinks of his third wife,
and he does almost daily,
he never says anything bad.
Instead, he sends himself an email
and records for history yet another
evil deed she managed to execute
during the years they had six kids.
Between kids she drove him nuts.
He never thought she'd die
and never hoped she would
because as he said in an email,
the Devil has his hands full.
Then he saw her death certificate
and, by golly, it was embossed
so it had to be good as gold.
Since he couldn't keep the original
he took it to the office
and made a giant photocopy.
Now he wants the right frame,
black as he claims her heart was.
So far he has sent himself 400 emails
about his bonfire life with her, a brief
prologue to the Hall of Fame injustices
he maintains he suffered simply
because so long ago he said "I do."
He isn't certain what she said.
Perhaps it was "You're through!"
***
5. Fresh Off the Brazier, Medium Rare
How many times have I said
I’m through teasing myself,
through pretending
I don’t enjoy
the wreath of a woman
warm around me.
How many times have I said
I’ll go out on the streets,
as I have in the past,
in cummerbund and sash,
top hat and cane,
a one-man parade
with bugle and drum,
seeking the sweetbreads
served there all day,
fresh off the brazier,
medium rare.
***
6. Carousel of Marriage
Harry and Grace had a carousel
of marriage while it lasted.
There were arguments galore
and children by the score
or so the neighbors thought
as they counted kids
running across their lawns
causing divots to fly and
dogs to bark, a canine
tabernacle choir.
Fireworks on the Fourth
were peaceful in comparison.
The kids would light their
crackers in the yard while
Harry and Grace sat
and swirled vodka on ice
in plastic tumblers.
Harry and Grace had arguments
so loud the cops would come
but no one was ever arrested.
Grace would say Harry was wonderful
and Harry would say Grace was too.
But eventually Harry moved out
and Grace got a job doing hair.
Harry sent money for years
and the kids went to college.
Decades later a neighbor saw Harry
at the Mall and they had a nice chat.
Harry said he was happy his kids
got degrees and it was good Grace
had married the farrier and moved
to Wyoming where there were horses.
Not much work for a farrier in Brooklyn.
He had time to break up a marriage.
2. Romance in the Modern Age
Spread 'Em for Anyone Edna
had always had trouble with men.
It started in high school when Edna,
big for her age, hosted the soccer team,
one by one, provided they won.
Edna had strong school spirit
but the players were not sportsmanlike,
telling classmates Edna was a bad goalie.
She had let everyone in.
Edna's largesse continued in college
with lanky lads on the tennis team.
Tennis players had more couth, she said,
and they certainly knew how to serve.
They would take Edna to dinner and a movie
and she would send them home smiling,
victorious, three sets to none.
Then one Sunday morning
while home on vacation,
Edna took Grandma to church,
a place Edna had never been.
She found the preacher attractive.
He stared at Edna throughout
his fist-pounding sermon,
fire raging, brimstone crackling.
That Sunday, Spread 'Em for Anyone Edna
answered the altar call and was born again.
After seven abortions Edna decided
to limit her kindness to one man,
a dentist named Dr. Throckmorton,
a renowned specialist in root canals,
a wealthy man she would eventually marry.
She admired his technique with a drill.
***
3. Rodding Out
a Bulgarian plumber’s song
And so I’ll tell old Max,
and maybe he will listen,
it’s time to call
the plumber in
and tell him,
“Here’s the deal:
We’ll hire you today
and Friday you’ll begin
rodding out Camille.
When you finish
bring her back,
and we’ll see if she will yield.
And if she won’t
you’ll try again,
rodding out Camille.”
***
4. Remembering His Third Wife
Never speak ill of the dead,
his father always said,
and his father was a pastor
who preached from the pulpit.
That's why whenever
he thinks of his third wife,
and he does almost daily,
he never says anything bad.
Instead, he sends himself an email
and records for history yet another
evil deed she managed to execute
during the years they had six kids.
Between kids she drove him nuts.
He never thought she'd die
and never hoped she would
because as he said in an email,
the Devil has his hands full.
Then he saw her death certificate
and, by golly, it was embossed
so it had to be good as gold.
Since he couldn't keep the original
he took it to the office
and made a giant photocopy.
Now he wants the right frame,
black as he claims her heart was.
So far he has sent himself 400 emails
about his bonfire life with her, a brief
prologue to the Hall of Fame injustices
he maintains he suffered simply
because so long ago he said "I do."
He isn't certain what she said.
Perhaps it was "You're through!"
***
5. Fresh Off the Brazier, Medium Rare
How many times have I said
I’m through teasing myself,
through pretending
I don’t enjoy
the wreath of a woman
warm around me.
How many times have I said
I’ll go out on the streets,
as I have in the past,
in cummerbund and sash,
top hat and cane,
a one-man parade
with bugle and drum,
seeking the sweetbreads
served there all day,
fresh off the brazier,
medium rare.
***
6. Carousel of Marriage
Harry and Grace had a carousel
of marriage while it lasted.
There were arguments galore
and children by the score
or so the neighbors thought
as they counted kids
running across their lawns
causing divots to fly and
dogs to bark, a canine
tabernacle choir.
Fireworks on the Fourth
were peaceful in comparison.
The kids would light their
crackers in the yard while
Harry and Grace sat
and swirled vodka on ice
in plastic tumblers.
Harry and Grace had arguments
so loud the cops would come
but no one was ever arrested.
Grace would say Harry was wonderful
and Harry would say Grace was too.
But eventually Harry moved out
and Grace got a job doing hair.
Harry sent money for years
and the kids went to college.
Decades later a neighbor saw Harry
at the Mall and they had a nice chat.
Harry said he was happy his kids
got degrees and it was good Grace
had married the farrier and moved
to Wyoming where there were horses.
Not much work for a farrier in Brooklyn.
He had time to break up a marriage.
