vacation krit: John and Christina
I like the idea of “the kids at the end of summer.” Without a comma, it becomes a place – where they are, instead of when. “Are breaking into the school,” breaking in when all term they were trying to get out, like a criminal who’s forgotten how to live outside the bars…forgotten how to live outside the bars? Hmm… They want to be there, but on their own terms. “Squeezing between post” and “toppling over” conger up a stumbling awkwardness and a desire to fit in.
The second stanza needs work. You’re pushing the reader instead of leading. Unless you’re comparing the workers to drug dealers (which doesn’t seem to fit with this poem), “have been supplying” could be shortened. And “of this fortress” could be cut entirely. If you are comparing the school to a prison, the comparison isn’t strong enough. There are other references – “breaking into,” “hooligans,” and “barbed in.” Maybe even the reference to “car alarms.” But the connections would need to be stronger. You could use the word “block” somewhere, etc. Either way, referring to the school as a “fortress” is too obvious. If you leave it as “building something…inside the walls…” it creates curiosity. Finally, I’m not sure about how “motorcycles” fit into the school yard. If kids have to squeeze through and topple over, how does a heavy motorcycle get in and how old are these kids?
I do like the connection between the school and prison, students and hooligans, as though the ramps that enticed the kids to break in are a jumping off point to something more criminal. But as it stands, the poem seems to be simply describing an urban neighborhood at the end of summer and I’ve been there, done that. Too harsh? Nah, you’re a big boy. You can take it.
In the third stanza, “will soon be cracked” on a separate line might refer to both the fire hydrant and the car alarms, which I really like. I wish the water was doing something more interesting than cooling the pavement. And it seems like you gave up entirely with “as they go home tonight tired.” I’m sorry. I love you, but I hate this line. It sounds like something out of a grade 3 storybook.
The second stanza needs work. You’re pushing the reader instead of leading. Unless you’re comparing the workers to drug dealers (which doesn’t seem to fit with this poem), “have been supplying” could be shortened. And “of this fortress” could be cut entirely. If you are comparing the school to a prison, the comparison isn’t strong enough. There are other references – “breaking into,” “hooligans,” and “barbed in.” Maybe even the reference to “car alarms.” But the connections would need to be stronger. You could use the word “block” somewhere, etc. Either way, referring to the school as a “fortress” is too obvious. If you leave it as “building something…inside the walls…” it creates curiosity. Finally, I’m not sure about how “motorcycles” fit into the school yard. If kids have to squeeze through and topple over, how does a heavy motorcycle get in and how old are these kids?
I do like the connection between the school and prison, students and hooligans, as though the ramps that enticed the kids to break in are a jumping off point to something more criminal. But as it stands, the poem seems to be simply describing an urban neighborhood at the end of summer and I’ve been there, done that. Too harsh? Nah, you’re a big boy. You can take it.
In the third stanza, “will soon be cracked” on a separate line might refer to both the fire hydrant and the car alarms, which I really like. I wish the water was doing something more interesting than cooling the pavement. And it seems like you gave up entirely with “as they go home tonight tired.” I’m sorry. I love you, but I hate this line. It sounds like something out of a grade 3 storybook.
